面对强势人群如何坚守自己的立场

No. It’s one of the shortest words in the English vocabulary, but it’s also one of the most difficult for many of us to say。

NO(不)，这个词可谓是英文中最短的单词之一了。但要说出一个“不”字，对很多人来说却大有难度。

We all know that setting limits will lower our stress level and save our sanity, but sometimes we are caught off guard by People who simply won’t take no for an answer. Read on to learn how to put your foot down with these master manipulators。

我们都明白，为自己的承受力设限可以降低压力，让自己保持清醒。但有时，一些人并不准备从你那里得到否定答案，你在这些人面前完全没有防备之力。阅读以下的内容，可以知道如何在这些超有控制欲的人面前保持立场。

The Flatterer

拍马屁的人

Whether it’s the friend who tells you how smart you are and how much she’d appreciate your help on a volunteer project she’s working on, or the school mom who insists that the students will be so disappointed if you don’t make your special cupcakes for the class holiday party, the flatterer plays to your vanity by making you feel indispensable。

你的朋友或许会夸奖你有多聪明，并声称如果你帮她完成一个志愿项目的话，她会心怀感激；老师或许会说如果你不为班级的周末派对做蛋糕的话，学生们会十分失望。不管何种情形，拍马屁的人会以迎合你的虚荣心的方式，让你觉得自己无可替代。

Reality check: If you want to help out because it gives you pleasure, fine, but no one is irreplaceable. “If it’s not brain surgery, others can do it—maybe not with your pizzazz, but it will get done and the cosmos will not explode in the process,” says Susan Newman, PhD, author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People- Pleasing Forever。

审视现实：如果你因为可以从中得到快乐而答应帮忙，这当然无可厚非。但你必须知道，没有人无可替代。“又不是动脑手术，其他人也能做--或许别人没你那么活力四射，但事情还是能完成，并且这个过程中，宇宙也不会爆炸”著有《250种方法说“不”》的苏珊·纽曼博士如是说，“别老是想着讨好别人。”

Your response: Turn the tables—flattery goes both ways. Instead of giving in, put the ball in the flatterer’s court. Say something like, “You’re such a fabulous baker—I could give you the recipe! Why don’t you try your hand at it; I’m sure the kids would love it。”

你的应对：扭转局势--反拍马屁。你无需放弃，你可以将选择权发配给对方，比如你可以说：“你最面包真的很棒，我给你食谱吧！你或许可以自己试试做面包哦。我想孩子们会喜欢的。”

The Guiltmeister

内疚制造者

Your mother insists that you never call—never meaning your three calls a week aren’t enough. Or your friend sighs that you seem to have time for everyone but her—and does it while the two of you are together having lunch。

你的妈妈或许执意认为你从来不给她打电话—即便你一周打3次，在她眼中却是不够的。或者你明明和朋友正在共用午餐，他却感叹说你总是抽不出时间陪她。

Reality check: Step back and get perspective. If it were a perfect stranger in your position, what would you think? If your grown kids behaved this way toward you, how would you feel? Ask a friend for some insight. If it seems like a bigger minefield than you know how to handle, consider talking to a psychotherapist to help you sort it out。

审视现实：抽身出来，稍作观察。如果一个陌生人身处你的境况，你会作何感想？如果你已成年的孩子这样对你，你作何感想？你可以想一个朋友讨教下。如果你觉得自己无法处理，可以考虑咨询一下心理医生，为你理清思绪。

Your response: “You can’t do enough for some people, so don’t try,” says Dr. Newman. Arguing is futile—you’ll never win—so just calmly tell the other person how it’s going to be. “Mom, I’d rather we didn’t have this same argument over and over. If we can’t talk about something else, let’s hang up and call back when we can。” Or tell your “neglected” friend, “I’m sorry you feel this way, but I try to see you as much as I can。”

你的反应：“你为他人做事情永远没有底线，所以不要试图这样做”纽曼博士说。辩解是无济于事的，你没有任何胜算。你只需心平气和地高度对方应该如何做。“妈妈，我不想和你一直就这个问题做无休止的争论。如何我们没有其他事情可谈，那就先挂了电话，等找到其他话题了，再继续吧” 或者告诉你那“被抛弃”的朋友：“很抱歉你会这么想，但是我已经努力尽可能多的与你见面了。”

The Saboteur

破坏者

You’re committed to losing those excess pounds, but every time you go out with a certain friend, she tries to get you to order dessert. “Just this one time can’t hurt!” she says. “But you can’t come and not have the chocolate cake!” The saboteur tries to validate her choices by making you behave as she does。

你下定决心要减肥，可每次你和某位朋友出去吃饭，她总是试图让你点甜点。“就这吃一次嘛，不要紧的啦”她会这样说。“你不可能就这样来了，连巧克力蛋糕都不吃一块吧！”破坏者总是把她的选择强加到你的身上。

Reality check: Be a leader, not a follower, and think about how angry you’ll be when the number on the scale climbs after all that hard work. “Saying no is not about selfishness but about self-respect. You’re standing up for what is right for you,” says William Ury, PhD, cofounder of Harvard University’s Program on Negotiation。

审视现实： 你要做自己的主人，而不是随波逐流。想一下，当你在诸多减肥努力下，还是看到体重秤上的数字有了攀升，会有多么地懊恼啊。“学会说不并不是自私，而是自重。你在坚持做正确的事情”哈佛大学谈判项目共同创办人威廉·尤里博士如是说。

Your response: Stand firm, and then redirect the conversation. You don’t need a lot of excuses or explanations. “No, thank you. Tea is just fine for me. Are you going to watch American Idol this season? I wonder how the new hosts will be。”

你的反应：保持自己的立场，重新控制谈话的方向。你不需要很多借口或解释。“不用了，谢谢。我喝茶就可以。你会看这一季的《美国偶像》吗？我在想谁会是这一季的主持人呢”

The Whiner

抱怨者

Every time your coworker receives a difficult assignment, she starts in on how unfair it all is, that she’s the one who always gets the hard stuff. She keeps going until you finally offer to help just to make her stop complaining。

每次你都同事接到一个艰巨的任务，她就开始抱怨不公平，说自己总是接到难题。她一直哀诉抱怨，直到你为了让她停止抱怨，主动去帮她的忙。

Reality check: Even if she has a point—your boss does give her more difficult work—this has nothing to do with you. It’s between her and the boss, and it’s up to her to deal with it。

审视现实：即使她确有她的理由--老板确实给了她更多艰巨的任务--这与你没有丝毫关系。这事儿关乎她和领导，需要她自己去解决。

Your response: Cut her off at the pass before she really gets rolling. “You know, you may have a point. This does seem to be a pattern. Why don’t you set up a meeting with the department head to see if you can sort this out?”

你的回应：在她开始滔滔不绝前中断她的抱怨。“你或许有你的观点，这或许就是现实情况。不然你和部门领导谈一谈，看看能不能解决问题呢？”

The Bully

霸道者

Bullying among grownups is more common than you may think. A 2007 study of nearly 8,000 working adults conducted by the Workplace Bullying Institute found that 37 percent of workers had been bullied. Adult bullying can take many forms, but the bully always uses his anger and intimidating demeanor to get you to do more than you want。

成人世界的威慑远比你想象地多。2007年，职场霸凌与创伤机构基于对近8000名成年工作者进行的调查，发现职场中有37%的人曾经被威慑。成年人之间的威慑形式多样。通常情况下，霸道者利用自身的怒气和吓人的行为，让你做一些本不想做的事儿。

Reality check: No matter what you have done or not done, no one deserves to be treated disrespectfully or in a threatening manner。

审视现实：不管你做了什么，或者没有做什么，你不应该被如此无礼对待，也不应被威慑恐吓。

Your response: A bully wants to get under your skin, so don’t let him see you sweat. Don’t respond in anger (he feeds on negative emotions) and don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten into doing something you don’t want to do. “A calm, quiet, firm, neutral voice is more powerful than a loud no. It conveys more self-control and strength,” says Dr. Ury. “Speak assertively and be very clear about what you want to happen. Say, ‘I don’t appreciate being treated this way. Come back when you calm down,’ or ‘I think I’ve made myself clear—I won’t discuss it anymore.’”

你的回应：霸道者想要惹怒你，你不要让他看到自己的懦弱。不要恶言相向(他通常会越挫越勇)，不要因为恐吓而做自己不想做的事儿。“用一种沉着、冷静、坚定而中立的声音去回应，比大声说“不”要来得更有力。这传达了你所拥有的的克制和力量，”尤里博士如是说，“我不喜欢这样被威胁。还是等你冷静了再来找我吧。”或者你可以说：“我想我已经表明了自己的想法，我不想再说了。”