恋爱中如何摸清社交媒体的界线

As a sex therapist, I never imagined I’d spend so much Time talking about Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat.

作为一名性治疗师，我从未料到自己会花这么多时间谈论Instagram、Facebook、Twitter和Snapchat。

But a number of my sessions are filled with stories about the ways that social media interferes with my clients’ relationships: things like snooping in a Facebook account, and then agonizing over what to do with suspicious, but not completely incriminating, activity; or ending a new and promising relationship because the person followed their exes on Instagram.

但在我的治疗中，时常会听到的一种故事是社交媒体如何影响客户与伴侣之间的关系：做刺探对方的Facebook之类的事情，然后困扰于该如何面对这些虽可疑但不足以表明对方有问题的行为；或者结束一段大有希望的新关系，只因为对方在Instagram上关注了前男友、前女友。

Jordan Gray, a sex and dating coach, sees these kinds of challenges in his work too.

性及约会教练乔登·格雷(Jordan Gray)在工作中也遭遇了这类挑战。

“It’s so tricky because it is completely uncharted territory,” he said. “Social media accounts have never had this level of market saturation at any other point in human history. That’s inevitably going to bring up some new challenges for people.”

“问题很棘手，因为涉及的是完全未知的领域，”他说。“社交媒体账号如此高度普及，是人类历史上从未有过的。这不可避免地会给人带来一些新挑战。”

In a 2014 Pew Research Center survey, 45 percent of millennial respondents said their social media accounts had had a “major impact” on their relationships.

皮尤研究中心(Pew Research Center)2014年的一项调查显示，45%的千禧一代受访者称，社交媒体账号对他们与伴侣的关系有“重大影响”。

Most of us are uncomfortable talking about these types of interactions because we worry that social media is too frivolous to argue over, but it is important to recognize that social media brings up real feelings, and those feelings do matter.

我们大多数人谈论这类互动时会不太自在，因为我们担心社交媒体太琐碎肤浅，不值得探讨。但社交媒体呈现出了真实的情感，而这些情感绝非无关紧要，认识到这一点是很重要的。

Still, navigating social media boundaries doesn’t have to be the colossal struggle we sometimes turn it into.

不过，摸清社交媒体的界线，并没有我们有时想的那么困难。

Prioritize Quality Time Without Social Media

重视没有社交媒体的宝贵时光

The most common social media-related fight I hear from clients is how much time their partners spend on Facebook or Instagram. I hear story after story of couples planning a romantic date night that turns into nothing but chatter about Instagram likes, Twitter favorites and Snapchat views.

我从客户处听到的与社交媒体有关的最普遍问题，是他们的伴侣把太多时间花在Facebook或Instagram上。我一次又一次地听说这样的事情：一对伴侣原计划晚上来一场浪漫的约会，结果除了聊Instagram的“赞”、Twitter的“喜欢”以及Snapchat的点阅量，什么也没干。

The behavior even extends into the bedroom: Clients have told me stories of discreet mid-coitus phone check-ins.

这种情况甚至会延伸到卧室内：有客户跟我讲过性事进行到一半偷偷拿起手机签到的故事。

“A cigarette and embrace after sex has quickly been replaced with a scroll through social media,” said Gillian McCallum, chief executive of Drawing Down the Moon Matchmaking, a British dating website. “Men and women are guilty of reaching for their phone and basking in the glow of their screen rather than the afterglow of lovemaking.”

“做爱之后的抽烟和拥抱很快被浏览社交媒体所取代，”英国交友网站Drawing Down the Moon Matchmaking的首席执行官希莉安·麦卡勒姆(Gillian McCallum)说。“男男女女都会在事后伸手去拿手机，沉浸在手机屏幕的光芒而非做爱后的余韵中。”

You should always make your partner feel more important to you than your phone, so dedicate at least 20 minutes a day to spending screen-free time together. (Scrolling through Facebook while watching television won’t cut it.)

你应该永远让伴侣觉得他/她比你的手机重要，所以每天至少要花20分钟时间在一起度过不使用电子设备的时光（一边看电视一边浏览Facebook不算）。

Of course, more social media-free time is better, if you can swing it. You may like having all your meals be phone-free (or at least having those phones on silent or in airplane mode). Or try turning off notifications when you’re together.

当然，如果有更多不使用社交媒体的时光更好——如果你能转变的话。你可能喜欢在所有的进餐时间不使用手机（或者至少把手机调成静音或飞行模式）。或者，你们在一起时，关掉提醒。

Check In Before You Post

发布之前确认一下

Always prioritize your living, breathing, human partner. This is especially important when it comes to sharing details, photos of the two of you or details of your lives or dates together. Often in relationships, one person is more private than the other, a difference that can lead to fights.

永远把你活生生的、会呼吸的人类伴侣放在优先位置。尤其是在分享细节、你们俩的照片或者你们生活和约会的细节时。在恋爱关系中，通常有一方会比另一方更注重隐私，这种差异可能会导致争吵。

Laurie Davis Edwards, founder of the dating site eFlirt, said that honest conversations about your social-media boundaries early on in a relationship can prevent surprises later. Ask your partner what he does and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing on social media. This is especially important around major milestones, like when you become “official,” when you get engaged, when you get pregnant and so on.

约会网站eFlirt的创始人劳丽·戴维斯·爱德华兹(Laurie Davis Edwards)表示，在恋爱之初就坦诚讨论彼此关于社交媒体的底线，可以避免之后出现意外。询问你的伴侣喜欢以及不喜欢在社交媒体上分享哪些内容。尤其是在恋爱的一些重要节点上，比如“正式”开始交往时、订婚时，或者刚得知你怀孕时。

One easy rule to follow: Ask your partner before sharing anything related to your relationship. Simple questions like, “Are you O.K. with my posting this picture of us on our date night?” can go a long way toward heading off arguments. When there isn’t agreement, Mr. Gray said to err “on the side of the partner who is more private.”

一个很简单的原则是：在分享任何与你们的恋爱关系相关的内容之前询问伴侣。一些简单的问题可以有效避免争吵，比如，“我可以发咱们约会那晚拍的这张照片吗？”格雷认为，如果意见不一致，“要照顾更注重隐私那一方的感受。”

If you find yourself stuck in oversharing mode, Ms. McCallum offered a great reminder. “The volume of photographs of your relationship that you post on Facebook is not indicative of the success or warmth within that relationship,” she said. “Even in this period of heightened social media use, very solid, strong, happy couples quite often choose to not lay their relationships bare on Facebook.”

如果你发现自己已陷入过度分享模式，那么你可以听听麦卡勒姆的一个很好的提醒。“你在Facebook上发布的恋爱照片的数量并不能代表你们恋爱关系的成功或温暖，”她说。“即便在如今这个频繁使用社交媒体的时代，非常可靠、牢固、幸福的情侣经常选择不在Facebook上暴露自己的恋爱情况。”

If You Wouldn’t Do It in Person ...

如果你不会当面这么做……

In the real world, the boundaries we should abide by when we are in a relationship are obvious. But social media can blur those lines, which might lead people to do or say things online that they wouldn’t in real life. Commenting “niccccce” on your ex’s latest bathing suit photo on Instagram may seem more innocuous than saying it to her face, but it might not come across that way.

在现实世界里，我们恋爱时不能越过的一些界线非常明显。但社交媒体可能会模糊那些界线，人们在现实生活中不会做的事、不会说的话在网上可能会出现。称赞前任在Instagram上最新发布的泳装照，可能比当着她的面说显得更无关紧要，但实际情况可能不是那样的。

Use real-world boundaries as your digital guide. Imagine that your social media behavior is happening in person, with your partner standing right beside you. Would you make that comment or send that message with your partner watching? If you wouldn’t do it in the real world, don’t do it online.

把现实世界中的界线当作你的在数字世界里的指导原则。想像一下，如果你的社交媒体行为是当面发生的，你的伴侣就站在旁边，会是什么情形。你的伴侣在场时，你会说出那样的评论或发送那样的消息吗？如果你在现实世界中不会，那么在网上也不要那样做。

Don’t Snoop

不要窥探隐私

Social media also makes it easier to check on your partner’s behavior. You don’t have to don a trench coat, fake mustache and sunglasses to track your partner across town anymore. You can just grab his phone when he is in the shower. And there’s a lot to find too; for some reason, most of us think our online activity is private, but it’s shockingly easy to find a treasure trove of information.

社交媒体也让你更容易查看伴侣的行为。你不再需要穿上风衣，戴上假胡子和墨镜，穿过城市跟踪他。你可以在他沐浴时拿起他的手机。你能在他的手机上找到很多信息。不知为何，我们大部分人以为自己在网上的活动无人知晓，但是在手机上很容易找到大量信息。

Some people insist on trading phone passcodes before getting into a committed relationship, or refuse to date someone who won’t share their passwords as “proof” of their fidelity. It’s easy to feel entitled to see your significant other’s emails, texts and direct messages, assuming that you should be able to if they have nothing to hide. As tempting as it may be, snooping is never a good idea, in the real world or online.

有些人在开始一段认真的恋爱关系之前坚持要求交换手机密码，或者拒绝与那些不分享自己密码的人交往，认为那是他们不忠诚的“证据”。人们很容易觉得自己有权查看伴侣的邮件、短信和即时消息，认为如果他们没什么好隐瞒的，那么你就应该能看。尽管可能是个很大的诱惑，但窥探隐私永远都不是一个好主意，不管是在现实世界中还是在网上。

“If you feel the need to snoop on your partner’s online behavior then there’s a bigger conversation that you need to have about your lack of trust in the relationship, or your feelings of internal security in general,” Mr. Gray said. If the need to follow your partner’s every move is just too great, there is likely something else at work that, once resolved, will help more than giving in to the urge to snoop.

“如果你觉得需要窥探伴侣在网上的行为，那么你需要进行一场更重要的对话，是关于你在恋爱关系中缺乏信任，或者你总体的内心安全感，”格雷说。如果窥探伴侣所有行为的需求非常强烈，那么很可能有其他问题在作祟，如果那个问题能得到解决，会比满足窥探欲望更有帮助。

You might consider simply not following each other on social media at all. I have two friends who are a couple. The guy’s social media platform of choice is Twitter; his girlfriend prefers Instagram. They purposefully don’t follow each other. They trust each other not to do anything inappropriate, and they like not feeling like they’re “checking up” on each other. It’s a good reminder that your social media lives don’t have to converge the same way your real lives do. A little distance is always healthy, in the real world and online.

你们也可以考虑完全不在社交媒体上关注彼此。我有两个朋友是情侣。男方选择的社交媒体平台是Twitter，他女朋友更喜欢Instagram。他们故意不关注彼此。他们相信对方不会做任何出格的事，他们喜欢不互相“监视”的感觉。要知道，你们的社交媒体生活不需要像你们的现实生活那样交融。保持一点距离永远是有益的，不管是在现实世界中还是在网上。

Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt

不要轻易怀疑你的伴侣

Even if you innocently stumble across suspicious-seeming activity, try to remember that tone and intent are much harder to gauge online.

就算你无意中发现了一个可疑的行为，一定要记得，网上的语气和用意更难揣测。

Most of us are quick to jump to conclusions with a limited amount of information. This is “what I call storytelling syndrome: When you draw conclusions to decipher what’s happening without first-hand knowledge,” Ms. Edwards said. “Storytelling syndrome usually escalates and before you know it, you’re convinced they are cheating on you all because of a comment on someone’s post.”

我们大部分人很容易通过有限的信息轻率地得出结论。爱德华兹说，这就是“我说的讲故事综合征，也就是在没有掌握第一手消息的情况下轻率地得出结论，以为自己弄清了正在发生的事情。讲故事综合征通常会不断恶化，你在不经意间会仅仅凭借伴侣在某人帖子下的评论就认定他在骗你”。

Ask your partner about their intent before making assumptions. For example: “Hey, I saw you’re now friends on Facebook with that girl you told me you hooked up with before we met. How did that happen?”

在得出结论前询问伴侣的意图。比如：“嘿，我看见你在Facebook上和那个女孩互相关注了，就是你说在我们认识之前就认识的那个。那是怎么回事？”

Address Discomfort Quickly

快速消除不快的感觉

Even with the best intentions, you and your partner are probably going to hurt each other with some of your online behaviors. It’s best to address these episodes quickly and on a case-by-case basis. Address them directly before a pattern develops, or before bad feelings have a chance to fester.

就算是出于最好的用意，你和伴侣也很可能因为你们在网上的某些行为而伤害彼此。最好能尽快解决这些问题，而且就事论事。在一种模式恶化之前，或者在糟糕的感觉可能加剧之前，直接解决那些问题。

Mr. Gray suggested first taking the time to figure out why you’re upset, rather than focusing on the behavior. What is the underlying issue? Our emotions can give us a lot of information if we let them.

格雷建议首先花时间弄清你沮丧的原因，不要把注意力放在那个行为上。深层的问题是什么？如果我们愿意的话，我们能从自己的情绪中获得很多信息。

Then talk to your partner, focusing on the why, rather than the specific action. Let your partner know what the real issue is and what you need from them. For example, you might say, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I feel uncomfortable seeing that you still have romantic pictures of you and your ex on your Facebook account. It made me worried that you’re not fully over him. Do you think you could delete them?”

然后跟你的伴侣交谈，把重点放在原因上，而不是具体的行为上。让你的伴侣知道真正的问题是什么，以及你需要他们怎么做。比如，你可以说，“嘿，我想让你知道，你的Facebook账户上依然有你和前任的恋爱照片，那些照片让我感觉很不舒服。那让我怀疑你还没有完全忘了他。你觉得你可以删掉它们吗？”

Yes, it’s frustrating to acknowledge the profound impact that social media can have on us and our relationships. But remember, even Snapchat can open up some meaningful conversations between partners.

是的，想到社交媒体能对我们以及我们的恋爱关系产生深刻影响，是一件让人心烦的事。但是请记住，就连Snapchat也能开启情侣之间一些有意义的对话。