《美食祈祷和恋爱》Chapter 60 (134):离婚高峰会谈

What I had wanted for so long was to have an actual conversation with my ex-husband, but this was obviously never going to happen. What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had oc-curred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce. But months of counseling and mediation had only made us more divided and locked our positions solid, turning us into two people who were absolutely incapable of giving each other any release. Yet it's what we both needed, I was sure of it. And I was sure of this, too—that the rules of transcendence insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame. As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff of it is bad for you. I mean, what kind of prayer is this to im-bibe—"Give us this day our daily grudge"? You might just as well hang it up and kiss God good-bye if you really need to keep blaming somebody else for your own life's limitations. So what I asked of God that night on the Ashram roof was—given the reality that I would probably never speak to my ex-husband again—might there be some level upon which we could communicate? Some level on which we could forgive?

很长一段时间以来，我一直想跟前夫进行实际的对话，但这显然永远不会发生。我渴望一种决心，一场和平高峰会，能让我们达成某种共识，了解我们的婚姻出了什么问题，对丑陋的离婚达成某种相互宽容。然而数个月的咨询与调解，只是让我们更加分歧，坚守各自的立场，让我们变成完全无法给对方解脱的两个人。然而我们两人都需要解脱，我很确定。而我也很确定——超越自我的法则，要求你切勿紧抓着最后一丝诱人的指责，否则你根本不能接近神。正如抽烟有害于肺，怨恨亦有害于灵魂，即使抽一口都对你有害。我是说，谁能接受这样的祷词——“请允许我们今天发发每日的牢骚”？如果你果真需要不断指责他人让你的人生受限，那么索性别再妄想，跟神道别吧。因此我当晚在道场屋顶上恳求神——若考虑到我可能永远没机会再和前夫说话——能不能让我们在某种层次上沟通？某种能让我们宽恕的层次？

I lay up there, high above the world, and I was all alone. I dropped into meditation and waited to be told what to do. I don't know how many minutes or hours passed before I knew what to do. I realized I'd been thinking about all this too literally. I'd been wanting to talk to my ex-husband? So talk to him. Talk to him right now. I'd been waiting to be offered forgiveness? Offer it up personally, then. Right now. I thought of how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving. I thought of how many people have had siblings or friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious words of clemency or absolution could be passed along. How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business? From that place of meditation, I found the answer—you can finish the business yourself, from within yourself. It's not only possible, it's essential.

我高躺在世界之上，孤身一人。我陷入冥想，等着听命该怎么做。我不知道在我得知该怎么做之前过了几分钟、几个小时。我意识到自己把这一切想得太认真了。我当真想和我的前夫说话吗？那就跟他——“说”吧。趁现在跟他说吧。我一直在等他原谅？那就亲自提出来吧。此时此刻。我想到多少人进棺材的时候未被宽恕或未宽恕他人。我想起多少人还没来得及表达宽恕或赦免，便失去自己的兄弟姐妹、朋友、孩子或爱人。关系终止后的幸存者，如何忍受事情尚未解决的痛苦？我从这禅坐地点找到答案——你可以自己解决，从你自己身上。这不仅有可能做到，也是当务之急。

And then, to my surprise, still in meditation, I did an odd thing. I invited my ex-husband to please join me up here on this rooftop in India. I asked him if he would be kind enough to meet me up here for this farewell event. Then I waited until I felt him arrive. And he did arrive. His presence was suddenly absolute and tangible. I could practically smell him.

而后，使我吃惊的是，就在禅坐之际，我做了件奇怪的事。我邀请前夫和我一起来到印度的这个屋顶。我请他屈驾来这儿和我碰面，参加这场离别晚会。然后我等待自己觉得他到来的时间。他来了。他突然绝对而明确地出现，我几乎闻得到他。

I said, "Hi, sweetie."

我说：“嗨，亲爱的。”