别让手机夺走你的人类伴侣

We have an intimate relationship with our phones. We sleep with them, eat with them and carry them in our pockets. We check them, on average, 47 times a day — 82 times if you’re between 18 and 24 years old, according to recent data.

我们和手机保持着亲密的关系。我们和它一起睡觉，一起吃饭，把它放在口袋里。根据最近的数据，我们平均每天查看手机47次，18岁至24岁的年轻人每天查看手机的次数更是高达82次。

And we love them for good reason: They tell the weather, the time of day and the steps we’ve taken. They find us dates (and sex), entertain us with music and connect us to friends and family. They answer our questions and quell feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

我们爱它的理由很多：它告诉我们天气情况、时间以及走了多少步。它帮我们寻找约会对象（以及性伙伴），用音乐娱乐我们，把我们与朋友和家人联系起来。它回答我们的问题，平息孤独和焦虑的感觉。

But phone love can go too far — so far that it can interfere with human love — old fashioned face-to-face intimacy with that living and breathing being you call your partner, spouse, lover or significant other.

但我们对手机的爱可能太多了，已经开始干扰对人类的爱，也就是与你称为伴侣、配偶、爱人或重要另一半的那位活生生、会呼吸的生物之间，面对面的老式亲密关系。

The conflict between phone love and human love is so common, it has its own lexicon. If you’re snubbing your partner in favor of your phone it’s called phubbing (phone + snubbing). If you’re snubbing a person in favor of any type of technology, it’s called technoference. A popular song by Lost Kings even asks: “Why don’t you put that [expletive] phone down?”

对手机的爱与对人类的爱之间，冲突非常普遍，甚至有了专门的词来形容它。偏爱手机、冷落伴侣的行为被称为“电话冷遇”（phubbing，“电话”[phone]和“冷落”[snubbing]的结合）。因为任何种类的技术而冷落一个人的行为被称为“技术插足”(technoference)。Lost Kings乐队的一首流行歌曲甚至问道：“你为什么就不能放下那[脏字]手机？”

“A key to a healthy relationship is being present,” said James Roberts, author of “Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?”. When one partner constantly checks his or her phone it sends an implicit message that they find the phone (or what’s on it) more interesting than you.

“在一段健康的关系当中，最重要的是陪伴，”詹姆斯·罗伯茨(James Roberts)说。他是《水满则溢：你对智能手机上瘾吗》(Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?)”一书的作者。如果一个伴侣不停地看手机，潜台词就是，他（她）觉得手机（或手机上的内容）比你更有趣。

In a 2016 study published in the journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 70 percent of women revealed that smartphones were negatively affecting their primary relationship. More than one-third of the 143 women in the study said their partner responded to notifications mid-conversation; one out of four said their partner texted during conversations. The women who reported high levels of technoference in interactions with their partners were less happy with their relationships and with their lives overall.

《大众传媒文化心理学》(Psychology of Popular Media Culture)杂志2016年发表的一项研究发现，70%的女性表示，智能手机对其主要关系产生了负面影响。参加该研究调查的143名女性中有超过三分之一的人表示，她们的伴侣会在谈话过程中查看手机通知；四分之一的人表示，她们的伴侣会在谈话过程中发短信。认为在与伴侣的互动中存在更多“技术插足”的女性对亲密关系和整体生活更不满意。

It’s not just women who are feeling dissed. Dr. Roberts, who is a professor of marketing at Baylor University, asked 175 men and women questions about their partners’ smartphone use. Nearly half of respondents, 46 percent, reported being phone snubbed (phubbed) by their partner. People who reported higher levels of phubbing also reported higher levels of relationship conflict.

不只是女性觉得受到了轻视。贝勒大学(Baylor University)的市场营销学教授罗伯茨博士在175位男性和女性中调查伴侣使用智能手机的情况。近半数的受访者（46%）表示，因伴侣频繁查看手机而感觉受到冷落。感觉受冷落程度更高的人也表示双方关系中的冲突更多。

In our quest to be connected through technology, we’re tuning out our partners and interrupting a kind of biological broadband connection.

我们希望通过技术与他人取得联系，但在这个过程中，我们把自己的伴侣排挤出去，切断了生物意义上的宽带连接。

“People are beginning to realize that something is amiss,” said Sherry Turkle, an M.I.T. technology professor and author of “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age.” “They don’t necessarily know what to do about it, but they are open to change.”

“人们开始意识什么事情不对头，”麻省理工学院(MIT)的技术教授谢丽·特克尔(Sherry Turkle)说。她也是《找回对话：数字时代交谈的力量》(Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age)一书的作者。“他们不一定知道该怎么做，但他们愿意做出改变。”

Judith Bell, a leadership coach and co-founder of Relationships That Work in Novato, Calif., has noticed that her clients are starting to respect phone boundaries. “Now they turn off their phones when they are in session. A few years back, they would let themselves be interrupted.”

加利福尼亚州诺瓦托“有效的关系”项目(Relationships That Work)的领导力教练兼联合创始人朱迪思·贝尔(Judith Bell)注意到她的客户们开始尊重使用手机时的界线。“现在，他们上课时会关掉手机。几年前，他们允许自己上课时被手机打断。”

If you’re feeling frustrated by phone interference in your relationship, talk to your partner but be positive. “Emphasize the benefits of being more connected,” Ms. Bell said. Rather than dictate to your partner what they should or should not do, try an approach such as, “I love talking with you, but when you’re constantly checking your phone it’s hard to have a great conversation.”

如果你为亲密关系中的电话干扰感到沮丧，那你可以跟伴侣谈谈，但要保持积极的态度。贝尔说：“要强调感情更亲密的好处。”而不是规定你的伴侣应该做什么、不该做什么，比如你可以说，“我喜欢跟你聊天，但如果你不停地看手机，那就很难好好说话。”

“The first step is awareness,” Dr. Roberts said.

“首先要意识到这个问题，”罗伯茨说。

Here are some suggested ways to break up with your phone long enough to connect with your partner.

下面这些建议能帮你跟手机分手足够长的时间，以便同伴侣多多交流。

Designate “no cell” zones in your home. With your partner, decide which areas of your home, such as the living room and the kitchen, should be technology-free. And consider eliminating phone use in the car so that you can use that time to talk to your partner about whatever is on your mind.

在家里指定一个“无手机”区域。和伴侣一起决定家里的哪些地方应该划为无技术区域，比如客厅和厨房。还可以考虑在车上不用手机，你可以利用在车上的时间与伴侣谈论任何想法。

Try a phone-free bedroom for one week. Yes, it’s fun to check Twitter just before bed, or when you’re sleepless at 2 a.m., but you might be more likely to converse with your partner if the phone were elsewhere. And just the act of favoring your relationship over your phone sends a clear message to your partner.

尝试一个星期在卧室里不用手机。是的，入睡前或凌晨2点失眠时看Twitter很有趣，但是如果手机在别的地方，你就更有可能与伴侣交谈。只需要表明你更看重你们的关系而非手机，就能给伴侣发送一个明确的信息。

“Buy some old-fashioned alarm clocks for your bedside table,” Dr. Turkle suggested. “Put your cellphones in a basket in the kitchen.”

“买个老式闹钟放在床头柜上，”特克尔博士建议，“把手机放在厨房的篮子里。”

Keep phones off the table. When you’re eating at home or in a restaurant, keep phones off the table. The mere presence of a cellphone — with the possibility of it chirping or buzzing at any moment — can inhibit the free flow of conversation, according to a study published last year in the journal Environment & Behavior. Researchers examined how conversations between two people were influenced by cellphones. When a phone was present during a conversation, the partners rated the conversation as less fulfilling and reported less feelings of empathic concern than when phones were absent.

不要把手机放在餐桌上。在家里或餐馆吃饭时，不要把手机放在餐桌上。去年发表在《环境与行为》杂志(Environment & Behavior)上的一项研究称，单是手机的存在就可能阻碍谈话的自由发展，因为它随时可能响铃或震动。研究人员研究了两个人之间的对话可以如何受到手机的影响。当谈话中出现电话时，双方都感觉谈话不如没手机时那么令人满意，并表示有手机的时候，对人的共情心更少。

Practice phone etiquette. If you must look at your phone, announce that you are doing so. “I am just checking the score/weather/playlist for two minutes,” shows courtesy and indicates to your partner that you are aware that your attention is shifting. It may also make you more aware of how often you pick up your phone when your partner is present.

遵守手机礼节。如果你必须查看手机，那就告知对方你在做什么。“我只是花两分钟时间看一下比分/天气/播放列表”——这样的话能体现你的礼貌，同时向伴侣表明，你意识到你的注意力在转移。它也可以让你更清楚地意识到伴侣在场时你拿起手机的频率。

If your partner’s job demands round-the-clock availability, discuss reasonable boundaries that would satisfy both the job and you.

如果伴侣的工作要求随时能联系上，那么你们就要协商出一些合理的规矩，以便同时满足工作需求和你的需求。

“The big challenge is that people are not talking about these issues enough,” said Daniel Ellenberg, a psychotherapist and partner with Ms. Bell in Relationships That Work. “We need to open up the social intercourse.”

“最大的挑战是人们对这些问题讨论得不够，”心理治疗师丹尼尔·埃伦伯格(Daniel Ellenberg)说。他是“有效的关系”项目中贝尔的合伙人。“我们需要扩大社会交流。”

Should your partner seem reluctant to let go of ingrained phone habits, consider turning to an objective source. Rather than wag your finger, you might suggest that you both take a closer look at your phone habits.

如果你的伴侣似乎不愿放弃根深蒂固的手机习惯，那么你可以考虑借助一些客观的消息来源。与其责备对方，不如建议你们双方都仔细留意一下自己使用手机的习惯。

“Couples need to form an alliance and decide together what are the new rules,” Dr. Turkle said.

“夫妻需要结成同盟，共同制订新的规则，”特克尔博士说。

Dr. David Greenfield, a University of Connecticut psychiatry professor and founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction developed a simple quiz, the Smartphone Compulsion Test, to help determine if a person’s phone use is problematic. Let the score be the judge, rather than you.

康涅狄格大学(University of Connecticut )的精神病学教授、互联网和技术成瘾中心(Center for Internet and Technology Addiction)的创始人戴维·格林菲尔德博士(David Greenfield)开发了一个简单的测验，名叫智能手机强迫症测验(Smartphone Compulsion Test)，它可以帮助确定一个人使用手机的习惯是否有问题。让分数来评判，你不要去评判。