快性,慢爱:为什么千禧一代越来越晚结婚?

The millennial generation’s breezy approach to sexual intimacy helped give rise to apps like Tinder and made phrases like “hooking up” and “friends with benefits” part of the lexicon.

千禧一代对待性亲密的轻松态度助长了Tinder这些应用的出现，也造就了“勾搭”和“炮友”之类的词汇。

But when it comes to serious lifelong relationships, new research suggests, millennials proceed with caution.

但新的研究表明，涉及到会持续终身的严肃关系时，千禧一代会谨慎行事。

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies romance and a consultant to the dating site , has come up with the phrase “fast sex, slow love” to describe the juxtaposition of casual sexual liaisons and long-simmering committed relationships.

研究爱情的人类学家、约会网站顾问海伦·费舍尔(Helen Fisher)提出了“快性，慢爱”这一说法，用来描述随便的性关系和慢慢积累的忠诚关系的并列。

Young adults are not only marrying and having children later in life than previous generations, but taking more time to get to know each other before they tie the knot. Indeed, some spend the better part of a decade as friends or romantic partners before marrying, according to new research by eHarmony, another online dating site.

年轻人不止比上一代人更晚结婚生子，还会在结婚之前花更多的时间相互了解。事实上，根据另一个在线约会网站eHarmony的新研究，有些人在结婚前还会花上十年的时间以朋友或情人的身份相处。

The eHarmony report on relationships found that American couples aged 25 to 34 knew each other for an average of six and a half years before marrying, compared with an average of five years for all other age groups.

eHarmony网站的感情报告发现，年龄在25到34岁的美国夫妇在婚前的相识时间平均为六年半，相较而言，其他年龄组平均为五年。

The report was based on online interviews with 2,084 adults who were either married or in long-term relationships, and was conducted by Harris Interactive. The sample was demographically representative of the United States for age, gender and geographic region, though it was not nationally representative for other factors like income, so its findings are limited. But experts said the results accurately reflect the consistent trend toward later marriages documented by national census figures.

这份报告基于对2084名已婚或处在长期关系的成人的线上采访，采访由哈里斯互动公司(Harris Interactive)进行。该样本在人口统计学上代表了美国的年龄、性别和地理区域，但在收入等其他因素上不能代表全国，因此研究结果仍有局限。但专家表示，结果准确地反映了符合国家人口普查数据记录的晚婚趋势。

Julianne Simson, 24, and her boyfriend, Ian Donnelly, 25, are typical. They have been dating since they were in high school and have lived together in New York City since graduating from college, but are in no rush to get married.

24岁的朱莉安·西姆森(Julianne Simson)和男友伊恩·唐纳利(Ian Donnelly)就是典型。他们从高中就开始约会，大学毕业后便一起住在纽约，但并不着急结婚。

Ms. Simson said she feels “too young” to be married. “I’m still figuring out so many things,” she said. “I’ll get married when my life is more in order.”

西姆森表示，她觉得自己“还太年轻”，不适合结婚。“我还在想很多事情，”她说。“我会在生活更有序的时候结婚。”

She has a long to-do list to get through before then, starting with the couple paying down student loans and gaining more financial security. She’d like to travel and explore different careers, and is considering law school.

在那之前，她还有一大堆事情要完成，首先，这对情侣要还清学费贷款，获得更多的经济保障。她还想去旅行，探索不同的职业，还在考虑去上法学院。

“Since marriage is a partnership, I’d like to know who I am and what I’m able to offer financially and how stable I am, before I’m committed legally to someone,” Ms. Simson said. “My mom says I’m removing all the romance from the equation, but I know there’s more to marriage than just love. If it’s just love, I’m not sure it would work.”

“既然婚姻是一种伙伴关系，所以在法律上向某个人做出承诺之前，我想弄清自己是什么样的人，我在经济上能提供什么，我有多稳定，”西姆森说。“我妈说我抹掉了婚姻关系中所有的浪漫，但我知道婚姻不仅是爱情。如果只有爱情，我不确定它能维持下去。”

Sociologists, psychologists and other experts who study relationships say that this practical no-nonsense attitude toward marriage has become more the norm as women have piled into the work force in recent decades. During that time, the median age of marriage has risen to 29.5 for men and 27.4 for women in 2017, up from 23 for men and 20.8 for women in 1970.

社会学家和心理学家等研究人际关系的专家表示，近几十年来，随着女性大量进入职场，对待婚姻的这种务实、严肃的态度变得越来越普遍。在此期间，男性结婚年龄的中位数已从1970年的23岁上升至29.5岁，女性从20.8岁上升至27.4岁。

Both men and women now tend to want to advance their careers before settling down. Many are carrying student debt and worry about the high cost of housing.

现在，男人和女人都倾向于在安定下来之前先发展自己的事业。许多人背负着学费债务，担心着高房价。

They often say they would like to be married before starting a family, but some express ambivalence about having children. Most important, experts say, they want a strong foundation for marriage so they can get it right — and avoid divorce.

他们经常表示，他们想先结婚，再组建家庭，但有些人对要孩子表现出矛盾心理。专家们称，最重要的是，人们希望拥有牢固的婚姻基础，这样他们才能保证婚姻顺利进行，避免离婚。

“People are not postponing marriage because they care about marriage less, but because they care about marriage more,” said Benjamin Karney, a professor of social psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles.

“人们推迟结婚，不是因为他们更不在乎婚姻了，而是因为他们更在乎婚姻了，”加州大学洛杉矶分校(University of California, Los Angeles)的社会心理学教授本杰明·卡尼(Benjamin Karney)说。

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins, calls these “capstone marriages.” “The capstone is the last brick you put in place to build an arch,” Dr. Cherlin said. “Marriage used to be the first step into adulthood. Now it is often the last.

约翰·霍普金斯大学(Johns Hopkins)的社会学家安德鲁·谢林(Andrew Cherlin)将这种婚姻称为“顶石婚姻”。“顶石是建拱门时安放的最后一块砖，”谢林博士说，“过去，婚姻是进入成年的第一步。现在，它往往是最后一步。”

“For many couples, marriage is something you do when you have the whole rest of your personal life in order. Then you bring family and friends together to celebrate.”

“对很多夫妻来说，婚姻是你把个人生活的其他方面都捋顺之后才做的事。到那时，你把家人和朋友聚到一起庆祝。”

Just as childhood and adolescence are becoming more protracted in the modern era, so is courtship and the path to commitment, Dr. Fisher said.

费舍尔表示，就像现代社会的童年和青春期变得更长一样，求爱和通向承诺的道路也越来越漫长。

“With this long pre-commitment stage, you have time to learn a lot about yourself and how you deal with other partners. So that by the time you walk down the aisle, you know what you’ve got, and you think you can keep what you’ve got,” Dr. Fisher said.

“有了承诺前的这个漫长阶段，你就有时间对自身、对自己如何处理伴侣关系有更多了解。这样，到你结婚的时候，你就知道自己有些什么，也就知道你可以保有自己的东西，”费舍尔说。

Most singles still yearn for a serious romantic relationship, even if these relationships often have unorthodox beginnings, she said. Nearly 70 percent of singles surveyed by recently as part of its eighth annual report on singles in America said they wanted a serious relationship.

她说，大多数的单身青年依然渴望一段认真的恋爱，哪怕这些关系往往会以不正规的方式开始。调查的单身人士中，将近有70%的人表示希望能有一段认真的感情。这是第八次美国单身人士年度报告的一个部分。

The report, released earlier this year, is based on the responses of over 5,000 people 18 and over living in the United States and was carried out by Research Now, a market research company, in collaboration with Dr. Fisher and Justin Garcia of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. As with eHarmony’s report, its findings are limited because the sample was representative for certain characteristics, like gender, age, race and region, but not for others like income or education.

在今年早些时候发布的这份报告根据的是超过5000名18岁及以上在美国生活人口的回应，调查由市场调研公司Research Now与费舍尔和印第安纳大学金赛研究所的贾斯汀·加西亚(Justin Garcia)合作展开。和eHarmony的报告一样，它们的调查结果也有局限，因为样本只能代表某些特征，如性别、年龄、种族和地区，但不能代表其他特征，如收入和教育程度。

Participants said serious relationships started one of three ways: with a first date; a friendship; or a “friends with benefits” relationship, meaning a friendship with sex. But millennials were slightly more likely than other generations to have a friendship or a friends with benefits relationship evolve into a romance or a committed relationship.

参与调查的人表示，认真的亲密关系会从以下三种方式之一开始：初次约会、一段友谊、或是“炮友”关系——也就是有性关系的朋友。但千禧一代比其他几代人稍微更有可能会从朋友或“炮友”关系发展为恋爱或忠诚坚定的亲密关系。

Over half of millennials who said they had had a friends with benefits relationship said it evolved into a romantic relationship, compared with 41 percent of Gen Xers and 38 percent of baby boomers. And some 40 percent of millennials said a platonic friendship had evolved into a romantic relationship, with nearly one-third of the 40 percent saying the romantic attachment grew into a serious, committed relationship.

超过半数声称有过“炮友”关系的千禧一代都表示这段关系最终发展为恋爱，相比之下，X世代有41%，婴儿潮一代有38%。有40%的千禧一代称，柏拉图式的友谊发展成了恋爱关系，在这40%的人中，有将近三分之一的人表示这样的恋爱感情发展为了认真的、忠诚坚定的亲密关系。

Alan Kawahara, 27, and Harsha Royyuru, 26, met in the fall of 2009 when they started Syracuse University’s five-year architecture program and were thrown into the same intensive freshman design studio class that convened for four hours a day, three days a week.

27岁的艾伦·河原(Alan Kawahara)和26岁的哈莎·洛伊如(Harsha Royyuru)是在2009年的秋天认识的，当时他们刚刚开始各自在雪城大学(Syracuse University)为期五年的建筑学课程，他们被分到同一个高强度的新生设计工作室，该课程每天需要花费四个小时，每周三天。

They were soon part of the same close circle of friends, and though Ms. Royyuru recalls having “a pretty obvious crush on Alan right away,” they started dating only in the spring of the following year.

他们很快成了同一个亲密圈子的朋友，尽管洛伊如回忆道，她“对艾伦马上有了一种挺明显的迷恋”，但他们到了第二年春天才开始约会。

After graduation, when Mr. Kawahara landed a job in Boston and Ms. Royyuru found one in Kansas City, they kept the relationship going by flying back and forth between the two cities every six weeks to see each other. After two years, they were finally able to relocate to Los Angeles together.

毕业后，河原在波士顿找到了工作，而洛伊如则找了个在堪萨斯城的工作，他们每六周在两个城市之间来回飞一次看望对方，以便维持这段感情。两年后，他们终于共同搬到了洛杉矶。

Ms. Royyuru said that while living apart was challenging, “it was amazing for our personal growth, and for our relationship. It helped us figure out who we are as individuals.”

洛伊如表示，不住在一起是个很大的挑战，“这对我们的个人成长和我们的感情来说都非常神奇。这帮助我们弄清楚了我们作为个体的身份。”

During a recent trip to London to mark their seventh anniversary together, Mr. Kawahara officially popped the question.

前不久，在两人恋爱七周年纪念日的伦敦旅行中，河原正式求婚了。

Now they’re planning a wedding that will draw from both Ms. Royyuru’s family’s Indian traditions and Mr. Kawahara’s Japanese-American traditions. But it will take a while, the two said.

现在，他们在筹划婚礼，它既会有洛伊如家族的印度传统，又会有河原的日裔美籍传统。但两人说，这得花些时间。

“I’ve been telling my parents, ‘18 months minimum,’ ” Ms. Royyuru said. “They weren’t thrilled about it, but I’ve always had an independent streak.”

“我跟父母说，‘至少得18个月，’”洛伊如说。“他们当然不会为此而兴奋，但我一直都有种独立的性格。”